This year it's interesting that Thanksgiving and the Eid fall so closely together. It's like a virtual food fest, a real diet buster.

My Mom's cooking a very untraditional Thansgiving this year and I just had to have my turkey and dressing, pumkin pie, and green bean casserole. So last night I cooked the whole spectacle for just me, the hubs, and kids. As always, I overate, and those tryptophans kicked in, and I just did nothing but laze around the rest of the night.

Today, I'm fasting for the day of Arafah, whose benefits include an expiation of the years sins. May Allah swt accept it from me.

Isn't it interesting, that when you're fasting no matter how much water you drink at fajr, and even if that was just an hour or two ago, you wake up absolutely parched (I usually go back to sleep after fajr). I don't usually wake up and immediatly think "damn I'm thirsty" first thing. I guess it's the mind and body knowing it's not going to get anything any time soon, so you want it more.

Tomorrow is also Black Friday, and as my husband's business is in the mall, and the busiest day of the year is tommorrow, he unfortunately won't be spending the day with us. I have no idea what I'm going to do yet...

I recently found these two blogs and have really enjoyed them. Traditional Islam, Sufism, and Robert Frost--right up my alley! Just thought I'd share.

http://salikah.blogspot.com/

http://kuhlsnotes.wordpress.com/

This morning I read that a very well known Australian revert, blogger and You Tube phenomenom has officially left Islam. I'm very saddened and I hope she finds her way back to the deen or at least finds some type of peace in this life.

Since this sister was so well known I can only imagine the hate comments she recieved daily from the usual Islamophobes, but also from other Muslims. Unfortunately, I can't help but think she is now possibly recieving threats from idiots and abusers, now that it is public.

It leaves me to wonder why people leave. As converts, the path to Islam can be a difficult one. Our families and friends generally don't accept the change. The pressures to go back to your old relligion and way of life can be trememdous. Other Muslims are just as bad, constantly nitpicking and criticising, often unwelcoming and sometimes hostile. This is not to mention the greater society full of it's own set of anxieties.

Since the beginning of Islam there have been thousands of scholars and students of the deen. Our history is a caucophony of different ideas and ideologies. Some today would have you think that if you don't follow their interpretation you're wrong or sinful. Don't believe them. No human being has a license to truth.

Islam is yours. Nuture it. Feed it. Let it grow and prosper within you. You may falter and that's okay too. Love the One. Give Him your humility and He will give peace.

Bismillaah ar-Rahman ar-Raheem
Wal 'Asr
Innal insaana lafee khusr
Illal ladhenna aamannu
Wa 'amilus saalihaati wa tawaasau bilhaqq
Wa tawaasau bis sabr

In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful
Time is witness that, surely, mankind suffers loss,
except for those of faith,
Who do good, and become a model of truthful living,
and together practice patience and constancy.
Surah 103, Al Asr (The Time)

Well actually I'm too cheap to buy an ipod. I just have a little mp3 player that I listen to constantly to get me through my chores, etc.

I always have at at least one audiobook on it. Right now I have a really good book called Paradise Alley by Kevin Baker that I'm enjoying immensely. HIstorical fiction is probably my favorite genre and this one captures the tumult of the time perfectly.

Here's Publisher's Weekly review: In his second New York novel (after Dreamland), Baker takes a grisly event-the 1863 Civil War draft riots-and crafts a terrifying, human story bursting with all the calamity, brutality and power of the riots themselves, which may have been the worst civic disturbance in U.S. history. Baker, an American Heritage writer, bases his work largely on historic events-Lincoln's announcement of the draft law did in fact propel thousands of New Yorkers, mainly Irish, to burn and loot the city and murder hundreds of innocents. The book follows the difficult lives of Ruth, Deirdre and Maddy, three women living on Paradise Alley, a dingy Lower East Side passageway, during the five days of riots. Each chapter alternates among many voices, however; in addition to the women, Baker speaks through a New York Tribune reporter, an escaped slave, an immigrant boxer turned criminal, an army private, a volunteer fireman and other characters. The formula works brilliantly, giving Baker the opportunity to flash back to Ruth's survival of the Irish potato famine; the voyage she and so many Irish made from their ravaged country to America; and her future husband's journey from slavery in Charleston, S.C., to freedom in New Jersey. The combination of momentous events, tellingly real aspects of lower-class 19th-century life, and raw emotions like fear and pride make this a viscerally affecting story. Baker intertwines love, violence, history, adventure and social commentary to give readers an invigorating, heartbreaking tale of the immigrant experience. Amazon link here.

I also have an excellent lecture on Surah al Fatiha which I link to on my previoius post.

And now for the music. If you're one who has a moral or religious objection to music, then the rest of this post isn't for you.

But for all of you music lovers out there, I'd love to hear what you're listening to right now. Here's what's currently playing on my mp3 player:

Ani Difranco-- Probably my favorite singer songrwriter of all times. Listening to her music is like a soundtrack from my life and indeed she did accompany me through some very tough periods in my life. I love her so much I downloaded two of her songs for you to listen to if you feel so inclined.

A Tribe Called Quest-- Hip Hop from the nineties, what some call the golden age of hip hop. My fav "conscious" hip hop rappers. I love that they use a lot of old jazz and soul samples, giving nods to those who came before them.

Choir of Young Believers-- I just recently became aware of this band from a morning talk show I listen to, Kidd Kraddick in the morning. He has a segment called "Music that Makes You Cooler" that this band was featured on.

The Fray-- This is the band that probably has gotten the most air time on my current play list. I really enjoy their music. It's very accessible, like you can totally bob your head and sing along...

Imogen Heap-- How to describe her? Creative, European, unique. Her voice is beautiful over a plethora of different electronic melodies. You can listen to a song a hundred times and always hear something different.

Spoon-- Another band I just recently ran across on emusic. Can't help but like this song.

Ingrid Michaelson-- If you watch Grey's Anatomy you know that they feature really cool music from unknown indie type artists. Well, she's one. This particular song is a little more upbeat than alot of her others. A good morning song.

I also listen to a lot of classical: Mozart's Requiem, Tchaikovsky, Beetoven, Shostakovitch, Chopin, anything really.

So what are you listening to? I'd love some recommendations!

It happens twice a year. Once in the late spring when it starts to become really warm. And once in the fall when it cools down. The time of year I dread. The time of the season they come slinking in. I become the helpless woman, the kitten stuck up the tree. What brings me to this state, you ask? Those hideous eight legged creatures, arachnida araneida, otherwise known as spiders.



Just the sight of one of these horrific fiends makes my heart pound, my legs quiver, and is often met with a shrill and piercing scream...

It's silly really, a grown woman shrinking at the site of a creature a millionth of my size. Back when I was young and still under the impression of the famous classic "Charlotte's Web" I would try to capture them in a cup or jar and set them free. No more, however, I go straight for the kill. Or if my husband's lucky enough to be home during one of these chaotic encounters I fervently insist that he do the killing.



Just the other morning, little Zainah was sitting at the dining room table enjoying her morning Honey Nut Cheerios when she spotted one of the beasts over by the dining room window. Apparently, my phobia has rubbed off on the children, because she started to holler "Spider! Spider!".

Sure enough the mother of all arachnoids was perched on my dining room curtains. I mean this thing was like the size of a golf ball. I began my shrieking and hurried her away into the back room as I went to go wake my slumbering husband. He scuttled into the kitchen, eyes barely open, promptly knocked the thing to the floor and proceeded to smash it with a shoe. Splat! He then stumbled back into the bedroom, without a word, crawled back into bed, and was met with a chorus of "Thank you Baba!" from his relieved wife and daughter.

I swear it makes my heart pound just to think about it.

I've been unhappy for the last couple of months. I wouldn't exactly call it a depression; It's definitely not some overwhelming moroseness that has overtaken my being. It's more of an underlying discontenment. I feel as though I've lost "me" somewhere. Somewhere in marriage and childrearing, the things that are important to me have shifted beneath my feet ant I've been replaced by a woman I hardly know. A woman who's main concern is what's for dinner, or if my kids have done their homework, or is my house clean enough for company. Yes, I have chosen this life, and I don't regret it. My children are truly the brightest spot in my life. I have all but to look at their precious perfect faces and I know there is a God. It's a spiritual thing, incomprehensible, arRahman irRahim...

But for me there always has to be more. Maybe it's a flaw, but I'm never quite content. I'm always yearning, yearning for more, for something, the unnamable. As a youth this led me into a long series of indeescretions and incredibly stupid and dangerous decision-making. Now as I'm approaching middle age, the ways in which I used to fill this void are unnacceptable and self destructive. I'm wise enough to know the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

So I've been thinking about the things I need to do to gain fullfillment at this point in my life. It's sort of a self written self help guide. I want to be healthy inside and out.

1. Spiritual fullfillment--Some say to turn to Allah and He will solve all your porblems. I don't even know what that means. Surely He may guide us, we can pray for strength and perseverence, but at the end of the day, life is what we make it, no? Calamities can befall us or we can have the best of luck and good fortune, all acts of Allah swt, but how we deal with it and lead our lives is what shapes our realities to a great extent. However, the diseases of the heart do stem from being away from Allah, and surely I feel very, very distant.
1. Salat--I'm going to be honest. This is something I've always struggled with since my conversion six years ago. It's not hard. Make ablution and spend five minutes at set times throughout the day worhipping your Lord. A beautiful concept, but many times, I just don't feel connected. It's like going throught the motions, up down up down and then it's over. I don't know how exactly to overcome it. Recently I've been listening to a fabulous lecture about surah al fatiha here. I've listened to about 2 hours and the lecturer is still on the bismallah. And you know what, it's incredibly interesting and most enlightening. This is what I need. I need to be enlightened, to be reminded of the beauty of Islam and our Creator. So I will continue.

2. Increase my reading and knowledge-- I guess this goes along with the enlightenment aspect. Book recommendations welcome. I would really like to read something on the beauty and spirituality of Islam. I'm not interested in the "rules" right now. I'm actually fairly familar with them, and it's just not doing it for me right now, although I will say there is symmetry and order in living this way of life. I just don't believe it is enough to get one through a crisis or any period of serious soul searching. Allah Alim.

Health and Wellness
My weight and physicality is something that has bothered me for several years. I must shed some of this weight and become more fit in the next 12 months.

Weight Loss--I've reopened my weight loss blog after much neglect. It's a place to hold myself accountable for everthing I put into my mouth and vent and share in my victories. I'm going to try my damnedest to update it daily, if only for a short reflection. I also have to be honest when I find myself falling back into my old ways. For now my goals are to excersice four days a week and keep to a 1500 calorie a day diet. I actually jogged today. Me, the one who hates jogging, and I loved it. Next May, I'm going to run in our local River Run. I might not be up to the 5 K or maybe I will, but they also have a two mile run. This is my longer term goal. That and to lose a total of 75 pounds.

Intellectual development
This is probably my greatest source of anxiety and feelings of loss. I feel about as intellectual as a rock right now.
1. Start writing again--This is something I love, but I haven't seriously put the pen to paper for a good decade now. I've never taken a formal creative writing class and I would love that. The problem lies in money and time, and what to do with the kids, and all the other aspects of life that gets in the way. There is a local informal group here. I'm thinking of checking it out, but then again, comes the question of whether or not I'd actually be able to get to the meetings. So I'm mulling this over. For now I will write. I'll post them here and I don't care if nobody reads them or think they're stupid or suckish, I'm doing this for me and my sanity.

So that's it for now. My manifesto. Three aspects of my self that I hope will grow with time, and you know it's not about what's on the other side, it's the climb and yes I did just quote a Miley Cyrus song! So much for that intellectual development I was talking about huh?

My Dad's been in town all week, and as is our usual fall tradition, we went camping out on the lake. Before I had children, we would rough it in a tent and sleeping bag, etc, but nowadays we rent a cabin. It's complete with all the modern ammenities and creature comforts which makes camping with young children much more enjoyable and certainly easier.

The drive out is a beautiful one. I've often heard people say that Kansas is so boring and flat, but I find it beautiful. Sure, it doesn't have the majesty of the Rocky's or the wonders of Yosemite, but it does have a very real and subtle beauty. My favorite part of my state is the flint hills--a unique place that is the home to the nations largest remaining tract of tallgrass prairie. I'm a prairie girl alright. I just love it. These pics don't do it justice by any means.







Apparently deer really like the prairie as well because we hit one on the way in! Thank God my dad was driving and didn't panic and no one got hurt. Well, no humans got hurt, the dear deer didn't fair as well. The front left hand side of the van sustained considerable damage, but amazingly after filing a police report for insurance purposes, we managed to drive out of there and onto the lake!
The van



Actual deer hair in the rim of the tire. I cannot believe it didn't blow.



Does anyone know if an animal killed in an accident could then be butchered and be techinically "halal"? Personally, if I had a pickup and some rope (and no kids to traumatize) I would have taken that big boy with me. It seemed like such a waste to just leave him there.

It was a cold and dreary day, but as soon as we got to camp we made a campfire of course!



Our cabin and the view off the front porch




We went to the playground and let the kids run off some energy.

Here's Yusef with Mommy all bundled up and cuddling in his sling.





Later, it was time for some serious hot dog roasting



And after dark, s'more makin' of course. As a side note, halal marshmallows are nowhere as good as the regular old store bought ones. At least the brand we use. They have a weird aftertaste. That didn't keep me from stuffing several down my throat, blackened of course. I actually like mine to catch on fire, or they're not considered done!



The kids having a blast with their glow sticks



I would have loved to have been able to stay more than just one night, but we had to get back to reality, school, and life. So that's it. Our annual family camping trip, and Yusef's first, with many more to come, inshallah.