It happens twice a year. Once in the late spring when it starts to become really warm. And once in the fall when it cools down. The time of year I dread. The time of the season they come slinking in. I become the helpless woman, the kitten stuck up the tree. What brings me to this state, you ask? Those hideous eight legged creatures, arachnida araneida, otherwise known as spiders.



Just the sight of one of these horrific fiends makes my heart pound, my legs quiver, and is often met with a shrill and piercing scream...

It's silly really, a grown woman shrinking at the site of a creature a millionth of my size. Back when I was young and still under the impression of the famous classic "Charlotte's Web" I would try to capture them in a cup or jar and set them free. No more, however, I go straight for the kill. Or if my husband's lucky enough to be home during one of these chaotic encounters I fervently insist that he do the killing.



Just the other morning, little Zainah was sitting at the dining room table enjoying her morning Honey Nut Cheerios when she spotted one of the beasts over by the dining room window. Apparently, my phobia has rubbed off on the children, because she started to holler "Spider! Spider!".

Sure enough the mother of all arachnoids was perched on my dining room curtains. I mean this thing was like the size of a golf ball. I began my shrieking and hurried her away into the back room as I went to go wake my slumbering husband. He scuttled into the kitchen, eyes barely open, promptly knocked the thing to the floor and proceeded to smash it with a shoe. Splat! He then stumbled back into the bedroom, without a word, crawled back into bed, and was met with a chorus of "Thank you Baba!" from his relieved wife and daughter.

I swear it makes my heart pound just to think about it.

I've been unhappy for the last couple of months. I wouldn't exactly call it a depression; It's definitely not some overwhelming moroseness that has overtaken my being. It's more of an underlying discontenment. I feel as though I've lost "me" somewhere. Somewhere in marriage and childrearing, the things that are important to me have shifted beneath my feet ant I've been replaced by a woman I hardly know. A woman who's main concern is what's for dinner, or if my kids have done their homework, or is my house clean enough for company. Yes, I have chosen this life, and I don't regret it. My children are truly the brightest spot in my life. I have all but to look at their precious perfect faces and I know there is a God. It's a spiritual thing, incomprehensible, arRahman irRahim...

But for me there always has to be more. Maybe it's a flaw, but I'm never quite content. I'm always yearning, yearning for more, for something, the unnamable. As a youth this led me into a long series of indeescretions and incredibly stupid and dangerous decision-making. Now as I'm approaching middle age, the ways in which I used to fill this void are unnacceptable and self destructive. I'm wise enough to know the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

So I've been thinking about the things I need to do to gain fullfillment at this point in my life. It's sort of a self written self help guide. I want to be healthy inside and out.

1. Spiritual fullfillment--Some say to turn to Allah and He will solve all your porblems. I don't even know what that means. Surely He may guide us, we can pray for strength and perseverence, but at the end of the day, life is what we make it, no? Calamities can befall us or we can have the best of luck and good fortune, all acts of Allah swt, but how we deal with it and lead our lives is what shapes our realities to a great extent. However, the diseases of the heart do stem from being away from Allah, and surely I feel very, very distant.
1. Salat--I'm going to be honest. This is something I've always struggled with since my conversion six years ago. It's not hard. Make ablution and spend five minutes at set times throughout the day worhipping your Lord. A beautiful concept, but many times, I just don't feel connected. It's like going throught the motions, up down up down and then it's over. I don't know how exactly to overcome it. Recently I've been listening to a fabulous lecture about surah al fatiha here. I've listened to about 2 hours and the lecturer is still on the bismallah. And you know what, it's incredibly interesting and most enlightening. This is what I need. I need to be enlightened, to be reminded of the beauty of Islam and our Creator. So I will continue.

2. Increase my reading and knowledge-- I guess this goes along with the enlightenment aspect. Book recommendations welcome. I would really like to read something on the beauty and spirituality of Islam. I'm not interested in the "rules" right now. I'm actually fairly familar with them, and it's just not doing it for me right now, although I will say there is symmetry and order in living this way of life. I just don't believe it is enough to get one through a crisis or any period of serious soul searching. Allah Alim.

Health and Wellness
My weight and physicality is something that has bothered me for several years. I must shed some of this weight and become more fit in the next 12 months.

Weight Loss--I've reopened my weight loss blog after much neglect. It's a place to hold myself accountable for everthing I put into my mouth and vent and share in my victories. I'm going to try my damnedest to update it daily, if only for a short reflection. I also have to be honest when I find myself falling back into my old ways. For now my goals are to excersice four days a week and keep to a 1500 calorie a day diet. I actually jogged today. Me, the one who hates jogging, and I loved it. Next May, I'm going to run in our local River Run. I might not be up to the 5 K or maybe I will, but they also have a two mile run. This is my longer term goal. That and to lose a total of 75 pounds.

Intellectual development
This is probably my greatest source of anxiety and feelings of loss. I feel about as intellectual as a rock right now.
1. Start writing again--This is something I love, but I haven't seriously put the pen to paper for a good decade now. I've never taken a formal creative writing class and I would love that. The problem lies in money and time, and what to do with the kids, and all the other aspects of life that gets in the way. There is a local informal group here. I'm thinking of checking it out, but then again, comes the question of whether or not I'd actually be able to get to the meetings. So I'm mulling this over. For now I will write. I'll post them here and I don't care if nobody reads them or think they're stupid or suckish, I'm doing this for me and my sanity.

So that's it for now. My manifesto. Three aspects of my self that I hope will grow with time, and you know it's not about what's on the other side, it's the climb and yes I did just quote a Miley Cyrus song! So much for that intellectual development I was talking about huh?

My Dad's been in town all week, and as is our usual fall tradition, we went camping out on the lake. Before I had children, we would rough it in a tent and sleeping bag, etc, but nowadays we rent a cabin. It's complete with all the modern ammenities and creature comforts which makes camping with young children much more enjoyable and certainly easier.

The drive out is a beautiful one. I've often heard people say that Kansas is so boring and flat, but I find it beautiful. Sure, it doesn't have the majesty of the Rocky's or the wonders of Yosemite, but it does have a very real and subtle beauty. My favorite part of my state is the flint hills--a unique place that is the home to the nations largest remaining tract of tallgrass prairie. I'm a prairie girl alright. I just love it. These pics don't do it justice by any means.







Apparently deer really like the prairie as well because we hit one on the way in! Thank God my dad was driving and didn't panic and no one got hurt. Well, no humans got hurt, the dear deer didn't fair as well. The front left hand side of the van sustained considerable damage, but amazingly after filing a police report for insurance purposes, we managed to drive out of there and onto the lake!
The van



Actual deer hair in the rim of the tire. I cannot believe it didn't blow.



Does anyone know if an animal killed in an accident could then be butchered and be techinically "halal"? Personally, if I had a pickup and some rope (and no kids to traumatize) I would have taken that big boy with me. It seemed like such a waste to just leave him there.

It was a cold and dreary day, but as soon as we got to camp we made a campfire of course!



Our cabin and the view off the front porch




We went to the playground and let the kids run off some energy.

Here's Yusef with Mommy all bundled up and cuddling in his sling.





Later, it was time for some serious hot dog roasting



And after dark, s'more makin' of course. As a side note, halal marshmallows are nowhere as good as the regular old store bought ones. At least the brand we use. They have a weird aftertaste. That didn't keep me from stuffing several down my throat, blackened of course. I actually like mine to catch on fire, or they're not considered done!



The kids having a blast with their glow sticks



I would have loved to have been able to stay more than just one night, but we had to get back to reality, school, and life. So that's it. Our annual family camping trip, and Yusef's first, with many more to come, inshallah.

There are so many things about motherhood that nobody ever told you about.


Yes, it is beautiful and the biggest most important job I will ever face. But it also challenging, infuriating, and just plain humiliating at times.

Lately I can't help but feel like a maid and servant to my children.

My entire day is spent picking up messes. Trash and clothes all over their bedroom floor. Toys thrown casually across the living room. Spending two hours on dinner just to hear the older ones whine about how they don't like it and why don't I ever make anything "good".


Have you ever taken four children out to the grocery or anywhere for that matter? First comes the major undertaking of just getting them all ready and loaded into the car. Then the stares when the whine and bicker and throw fits, all the while knowing I won't spank them in public or yell or put them in time out.


In the past 24 hours I've spent 6 of them in the ER with my sick and wailing 2 year old. I've been peed on, I've been hit and screamed at (by same 2 year old), I've undergone countless eye rolls at my expense, I've worked a greuling 12 hour shift on next to no sleep. This week I'll go to two doctor's appointments and watch my children undergo two seperate medical procedures. Yes, we're the king of all families with strange and interesting medical conditions.


By the end of the day I'm exhausted. No time for reading. I feel like my mind is mush. I used to have INTELLECTUAL conversations with interesting people. Now my most interesting conversations are about whether or not Optimus Prime can kick Darth Vader's butt or does Strawberry Shortcake have a mommy and if so where did she go.


That's the thing I miss the most. Stimulating and meaningful study. I just don't have time for it anymore. There's a million books I'd love to read and discuss on as many topics. I've compensated some by delving into the realm of the audiobook. I download them from my local library and listen to them while engaging in my otherwise boring and monotomous chores. I just listened to "Great Expectations" and enjoyed it very much. I'm currently "reading" Toole's "A Confederacy of Dunces" which makes me laugh and cringe at the same time.


I've seriously considered closing this blog. I just don't feel that I have energy to contribute anything meaningful to the blogosphere. Likewise I'm sorry if I'm not reading and commenting on everyone else's blogs.


Yes, I'm whining and wallowing in self pity. The true beauty of motherhood isn't in day to day life. Day to day life pretty much sucks and it is hard and it is a struggle.


The true beauty is surviving those rough patches to be rewarded with your 4 year old telling you that you're the "bestest mommy I've ever had", hearing your 7 year old recite the planets of the solar system, seeing your babies face light up when he sees you, and hearing your 2 year old say a word for the first time.


These are the moments that make it all worth it.

We had a really good Eid this year. As it started I was somewhat skeptical because I worked the night before, a 13 hour shift. I got homr 45 minutes before the start of the Eid salat. Got myself ready and did the girl's hair, took some Advil and then out the door.

When we got to the masjid, we literally had to park over half a mile a way. I got my morning excercise jogging while pushing a double stroller and herding two other chldren at the same time.

As I walked into the masjid the first takbir of the salat started and I walked directly into the line. As the imam started the Quran recitation I started bawling like a baby. I always do that when praying in Jumuah. I don't know why. I become overcome in emotion and gratitude. I was also thinking how nice it was that this is probably the first Eid prayer that I've attended that one of the kids wasn't crying the whole time, or hanging all over my legs. So I'm standing there in absolute peace and awe at our Creator when Zainah runs directly in front of me while doing the pee pee dance, all the while yelling "Mama I have to go pee pee". I was scared to death she was just gonna let loose right there, and I kept frantically pointing to the bathroom which was all I could do without getting out of the line. Leave it to kids to keep your feet on the ground.

Luckily we avoided any embarrassing accidents.

Here's Zainah enjoying a donut after the prayer



Somaya stuffing her face with candy



After most of the people had cleared out we started the long journey back to the car. See that last row of barely discernable cars?



We decided to stop for some family pics.

I just had to laugh at this one. Somaya was screaming into my shoulder because she hates having her picture taken. This was such a typical moment in any given time in our household




Family picture



Next we went to some Bangladeshi people's house for an early lunch. We had Biryani, salad and some delicious sweets whose names I can't pronounce. I love Desi food!

Then off to Wal-Mart to let the kids pick their presents. We had our friend's lovely daughter with us as they both had to work. We bought her a gift also and she picked that tween movie "Camp Rock" which we then went home and watched. It had to be one of the worst movies I've ever seen in all my life. I actually kind of have problems with these young girls and the modern day idol worship they engage in with some of these young stars. But how could I say no? That's what she wanted and I knew her mom would be okay with it. So there we have it. She was in heaven though.

Here they are with all their presents




After wasting my time watching the movie, we walked over to some Indonesian neighbors of ours that were having a lunch for Eid. It was a very multicultual day.
At this point I was exhausted having been awake and running for well over 24 hours so I had to go home and take a two hour nap. Husband watched the kids during this time, and basically let them trash the house and run wild. Oh well, they were having a blast.

After my nap, we went to our usual Eid gathering at some friends house and had some yummy Arabic food and I got to hang out with some good sisters and good friends. I went home stuffed and happily tired.

This was Nathan and Zainah when we got home



I also want to extend a special Eid mubarek to my sweet little Yusef. It was his first Eid, and incidentally his first time ever wearing shoes :) Eid Mubarek my sweet boy.

A Must Watch!!!
A very interesting lecture about the importance, no the imperative to learn Arabic. One excellent point is made about how there are two aspects of the Quran, the message and the miracle. While the message can be relayed (albeit clumsily) through translation, the miracle is lost.

May Allah swt make it easy for those of us struggling to learn the language of his Revelation and reward us for our struggles. Amen.

Tonight at the iftar at our masjid I noticed a fellow sister all alone in the corner. I had noticed her before, at a previous iftar. I'm not sure why, at the time, I though she was perhaps working for a caterer as sometimes people who sponser the meals use caterers to help with the event. Tonight I noticed her, sitting maybe ten feet behind me, all alone.

When I got the chance and she walked by where I was sitting, a reached out to her and gave her my salams. I introduced myself and made small talk. I smiled at her. I introduced her to a few other good sisters I know. I'm not a super extroverted person and often find myself awkward in new social situations. Perhaps, this is why I'm sensitive to new members in the community; I had such a hard time fitting in after I converted.

I'm not sure why new people in the community don't get welcomed in a proper way and and made to feel part of the community. It seems when attending events, everyone cloisters themselves into their own little groups, often separated by nationality and cultures. Newcomers often don't even get a second glance, a smile, a "Salam Alaikum". I do hate to make the comparison, but it is in the extreme opposite of what I found pre-conversion at Christian churches, where newcomers were welcomed, phone numbers exchanged, and smiles and hello's in abundance.

So remember our sister's, new converts, or just new to your community. If you notice someone alone at an event make an attempt to say hello and remember even a smile is sadaqa, inshallah.